and life is still going on....

well, i haven't been blogging because quite honestly life has been so sucky....my husband left me sept 2 quite unexpectedly....and yes i still was and am grieving over tig and i always will....managed to get a job briefly this month but it made my vertigo so much worse...the day i chose to quit was the day my daughter had been robbed at gunpoint in the early morning at her work...thankfully physically she is fine! on my way home from work(12 hours) i called my sis in idaho to see how my bil's mri was(and my mom was in the hospital with pancreatitis).....my sis asked if i was home so i knew something was up.....my mom had died...........they aren't having a funeral or service...they had her cremated....perhaps a service at a later time...
and hubby came over yesterday to get some of his stuff....i feel alone like i've been abandoned...i hope he gets back to counselling and realizes family is more important than anything....i know i am going to keep going to counselling...someone needs to help me keep my brain from getting overly tangled!!
i still kreate kritters...went to our local fiber festival this weekend which is everyyear and a lot of people loved my kreations...am thinking of doing up a website...but for now i'll stick with etsy...and i need to get busy as this is my only income for now beings hubby has the funds he earns going to his own account somewhere?!! meanwhile.....life still goes on............and tigg kitty mama misses and loves you....and i know you are protecting me!:)

really been awhile!

and right now life is probably the suckiest of all! first my job was going great, and i actually enjoyed it...lost 12 lbs, went down a size in jeans and top! so i figured i'm getting free gym membership...my face usually sweats alot but i have long thick hair i wear in a bun on top my head so that kinda blocks the heat in! anyways, a couple saturdays ago we had to do mandatory work...inventory and cleaning, because some bigwigs from navstar were coming in...my shift got the cleaning duty...but not inside like i thought, instead, outside in the parking lots and yard...apparently that place doesn't have a warehouse so everything is stored in boxes and bins outside...so we had to clean up old crap, remove things from the waterdrenched cardboard boxes they are in, etc...well, i wasn't happy about it but i worked with my shift and others...and wasn't too worried about the weather..it was 7am and overcast...but by 11am it was sunny and getting hot...and i'm on two meds that i am not suppose to work in prolonged sunlight....so i told one of the people that was sort of in charge i thought....i was trying to find a shady place to work and he said there wouldn't be any.....
soooo.. i went back to work...we had lunch break and the bosses(ok, the operations manager and plant manager and a couple others) served us kfc, and of course i got the looks like i was a leper or something! back to work...then break at about 215...thats when the safety officer came to me and said they were gonna send me home beings i wasn't suppose to be in the sun....this is only 4 1/2 hours after i told them!
so i get home and look in the mirror and boy is my face red!! sunburnt and hot i suppose...i was pretty much fine the next day and went to work as usual sunday night...monday night again worked as usual, except my supervisor asked me if i wanted some overtime...heck yea,,,so i stayed and worked...ended up working almost 12 hours!! boy was i sore and tired when i left there, but i had to go make a vehicle payment, pick up soninlaw, and then went to the grocery store to get my yogurt and drinks for work!! got home, got a shower, and about an hour after i fell asleep the phone rang...it was adecco, the temp agency i was working through....
apparently the operations manager, gene, thought that maybe the work environment wasn't safe for my health so asked them to release me from my contract! omg was i soooo pissed.......what the heck...gerald the adecco guy who hired me out told me to not worry...but i couldn't work til he got ahold of the hr person there, and she was due back wednesday from vacation...i told him the big wigs from navstar were due in wednesday so there was no way he would hear anything...he didn't, til friday...he called me and told me it was a done deal, they still felt it was best for my health..!! i had even gone to adecco wednesday and showed gerald my face and he said he couldn't see anything wrong!! then he said trust him that they trust his judgement of character...ha,,,i still am unemployed now!! what a sucky thing...
personal life is just sucky right now...but i'm thinking positive which i think is positively stupid of me!! and i still cry for and miss tigger kitty a lot....sweet hugs my tigger baby...someday i'll be with you again!

its been awhile..........

since i've posted in here...first got so depressed over tig i decided to stay away from this because it seems to be my 'outlet' for grief....then i finally got a job...now its not what kind of job i had hoped for, but its a job...and i work 3rd shift, and last week was my first full week and i had to do overtime by working friday night,,,so saturday night i was off and tonight back to work!! i am soo worn out by the time i get home i sleep til its time to go to work again..i guess i'm an injection mold operator? i simply take the pieces that are made and trim whatever or add brackets or whatever and package them up...its an easy job so far, but boy is it hotter than heck and i move alot!! i've lost 8 lbs in my first week,,,mostly because i only eat a yogurt on my lunch break....its so hot i don't want anything but cool...i was drinking a lot of mountain dew and now don't like it so finally gave in the other day and started drinking water...which i still don't like but it tastes as bad watered down as it does to start with!!lol...still miss my Tig very much...and the past few days Mr Husband has been a total asshat...which makes me miss Tig even more because he was my buddy and gave me loves ....now its just me..................off to take a nap for work tonight..........miss you so very much Tiggerboy....life sucks without you:(

more the same

am i starting to sound too repetitious?! yes its more of the same,,,staying awake all night, crying every now and then, crocheting like usual...a boring life?! well, i was awake til 1130 yesterday morning, then slept til about 6pm and now i've been awake since then...yesterday morning i decided to surprise hubby with breakfast, and while waiting for it to get done i went out on the deck to check the koi pond....last week he took the net off of it and i worry the crane will show up again...for over a year we had a big long legged bird out there early in the mornings munching down on our koi:( i'm worried he'll discover we no longer have the nets over the pond and come back for more seafood delight! while out there i saw something move through the corner of my eye, and looked over towards Tig's grave...there was a mommy and two baby kitties 'playing ' on tig's grave!! one kitty was up on one of the poles!! i knew there was a mama and babies somewhere out around our yard but i hadn't seen them in a few months...i don't think she really is a stray but is our neighbor's cat, but she doesn't keep her indoors nor very good care i don't think!! did my errands....made jeep payment, stopped by goodwill to see if i could find any broken up beads or jewelry or something like that for my crafting...got a couple of baby einstein vhs tapes that look like they've never been played...so when i'm babysitting grandbaby/s i have something to entertain them! stopped at the grocery store for hamburger buns...came home, dropped everything on the steps, and went to bed!! i finally checked the mail about 2 this morning...got two RAK packages from my ravelry buddies...one is a bunch of baby patterns and the other some nice yarn!! also got a sympathy card from one of Tig's vets, Dr Riggle....of course that made me bawl...........i sure miss him..........so now that its about 5am, i finished unloading and loading the dishwasher and washing a bunch of dishes by hand...i'm gonna go take a shower and go to bed........but i doubt i'll fall asleep for a few hours! sweet tigger baby kitty...i miss you and will always have you in my heart...i love you my baby boy.......................

two weeks

......since Tig passed away.....i still have crying spells but not as often, well, at least i try to tell myself its not as often.! my sleep schedule is still really screwed up...i've been awake now since about 3am...its about 11am...i've been busy working on things for ebay and my etsy store..i've decided to stop spending so much time doing online job applications because it hasn't done any good...my interview a few weeks ago i thought was good, but i didn't get the job...sooo, i decided to get more things made for my etsy store(winter is coming,,,hats/scarves....inexpensive homemade nice gifts!)...i actually crocheted a couple pairs of earrings this morning that i'm going to sew a bead in(next ones i'll actually do beading in them) and then put them along with a hat i made last night and two furry scarves in my etsy store, and i've been embellishing a lavishly ribbon embroidered rose beary for ebay...i was doing good,,,then the phone rang..........it was Tig's vet...wanting to know if Tigger was still with us........i said no, he passed away two weeks ago today...he then gave condolences and asked if he died at home...i said yes about 1115 pm...then i started to cry, and he said he knew we had done all we could for tigger,,,and i thanked him and.........cried.........now i've been up long enough for a headache to develop, so i'm gonna go try and get a couple hours of sleep....then wake up in time to get some errands run...and more crocheting...maybe even find another path into my craft room!! yesterday hubby and josh(future son in law) built a brick enclosure around tig's grave, then topped the grave with cement and a stepping stone in the middle of it that i had purchased right after his death...it looks really nice...eventually either i or hubby will do a woodburned 'headstone' for it,,,when its not so fresh and painful to think about.......tig mama misses you and loves you forever bunches...............

will it ever end?

i'm so tired of being tired...since tig's death i don't sleep during the normal sleeping hours, although i really didn't before he died, now i don't even attempt to go to bed til closer to 8 in the morning! really messed up, huh?! i then usually wake up sometime during the day briefly, come upstairs and check the messages on the phone(waiting for a job that i'm sure isn't going to happen now) and then go back to bed...and sleep most the day with hubby...its about 5am here...i've been crocheting, trying again to hurry and get some kritters done for both etsy and ebay, and i still find myself crying too much over tig....and for the 2nd time hubby has suggested i need a new kitty......but i promised tig i would not get another kitty..........
i think i'll try to get up earlier tomorrow and start getting my craft room in some kind of decent shape....its such a mess right now....i have a lot of crafts i want to work on again that i haven't in years, but i need to be able to get to my table, and i want to be able to sit in my rocker and crochet...right now its full of yarn(big bag)...and stuffed animals!! but, i need to go wake daughter up for her job.............and do a little more hookin..........miss you and love you forever my tigger baby:(

i'm tired..........

and about to go take a nap........i actually didn't go to bed until about 830 this morning!! my son and his wife decided to surprise us with a visit at about 2pm, just after i had woke up....i got dressed, disconnected the computer(it was a rental i thought about purchasing until i found out i can purchase the exact same computer from hp for half what i would have paid rent a center)....and took it back....my fsil got mine working again...yay! this actually 'died' the night we brought tig home from the hospital in june!! then i had to stop at the grocery store to get some cheese to make lasagna...
got home, and made a double batch of lasagna....and garlic bread....and sweet raspberry iced tea....and now i'm gonna go take a nap so i can be awake all night...
i thought i was doing pretty good yesterday with not thinking of tig too much, but by the middle of the night my mind wandered back to picturing him stretched out on the floor...he use to do that...i always asked him if he was trying to be 6 ft tall almost as tall as daddy.........i miss that little guy.......so i'm gonna try to get some kritters done and listed in my etsy store and on ebay....i have some done just need to photograph them....
........much love and miss you my sweet tig.............

another day almost done......

today was payday,,,and grocery shopping day..! once upon a time i really liked shopping, even grocery shopping.....but now i prefer to stay home in my jammies....people here just don't know how to drive....and i get road rage...not the kind that i would hurt someone, but man, i'd like to be able to give a ticket to every single person that does stupid behind the wheel!! and don't get me started on the idiots that park in the fire lane......i soooo wanted to jump out of my car and run up to this car that was parked in the fire lane(no parking) with his flashers on...just sitting there....i'm sure he was too lazy to park it somewhere and was waiting on someone...i wanted to ask him if he was ok, what the emergency was, and tell him to park it legally idiot!! but i refrained,,,,just kept driving by,,,mumbling words under my breath to myself...
on another note, i did buy a stepping stone that i saw at the grocery store...in the center is a cross and it says 'happiness lies in the heart of those who love' (i think thats what it said!)...i bought it to put on Tig's grave....
well off to get some kritter kreating done...made a bunch of tiny little flowers with tatting thread last night to embellish an angora beary....for ebay of course.....many hugs to you my tigger friend....miss you:(

a week........

.........has gone by already since my little Tig left this earthly world....and yes, i still cry alot...and yes i am still staying awake til i can't stay awake anymore...its 552am here and i have yet to go to bed....but i'm headed that way soon....must get up in a few hours and do some grocery shopping and then come home to my comfy jammies once again, and kritter kreate with my crochet hook til whenever....trying to think of something different for dinner though...probably meatloaf muffins....sounds gross, huh?....actually its just like making meatloaf, except instead of cooking it in a loaf pan you spray muffin pans and make individual meatloaves! my head is throbbing... i know its from lack of sleep........
in the past week i've passed on two jobs because i have been waiting to find out if i got the job at the hospital gift shop! they said they would decide by midweek this week, which has passed....the first job i passed up was working for some manufacturing place in Canton that makes car parts.....the thing i would have liked about that was the hours (3p-1a)overtime alot i guess.........and the pay........not the car part stuff! the other job, was at a sewing factory sewing things for the military...again, the hours were up my alley(3-12) and the pay was ok....and it wasn't very far from here....but when i took Josh in to the employment place this morning for his appointment, i talked to the lady who told me to call her this morning about that sewing job, and she said she called someone else and if they didn't get hired she would call me:( so hopefully, maybe i'll be lucky and get a call today from the hospital gift shop telling me i got the job and because of my previous cashier experience i'll get more than the $8.50 they start at(they said it depends on experience...i was a cashier for over 7 years!!)....
well, off to bed for now...will probably post again tonight....must keep myself busy...tonight and today will be rougher beings its been a week....and i sooo miss little Tigg.......much love my little boy....i miss you......

another day, another tear.........

well, i still haven't got the hang of this blogging thing....haven't decided if its a public diary, journal, open letter to life! i'm doubtful anyone even knows its here! heck, i don't know how to let anyone know its here! i know, use common sense, but lately common sense has left the building and i'm still here...
i'm still having trouble dealing with my baby Tigger Kitty passing away last friday....i burst into tears unexpectedly when he suddenly appears in my mind! He became sick last month...and was diagnosed with chronic renal failure...so hard to comprehend how an indoor kitty that has not ever been sick in the 9 years we had him suddenly becomes so ill!! he was in the hospital for 3 days and we brought him home with the task of giving him an iv of fluids everyday forever....a task we gladly took on because he was so much part of our family....and he seemed to be getting better....until about 1 1/2 weeks ago, it all started again...the vomiting...we tried so hard again to keep him going....my sweet daughter sam helping me to try and force feed a little bit of food into tig each day...but by friday (7/17) it was obvious he was not going to get better...after his iv he suddenly wasn't able to walk....and that is all it took...we made the hard decision to have him put down....and i cried all day knowing what lay ahead..it was scheduled for saturday morning.....
but...i decided that i was going to have the vet do whatever he could to keep tigger alive....and i placed tig on our bed with his blankies....and constantly went downstairs to love him, and cry, and love him more.....
and then i decided to go get him to take him out on the deck for one last time....he always loved laying out on the deck....but this time....when i walked into the room, his eyes didn't move....just a stare....
i won't go into the details but it was his last moment of life.....we took him to a local animal hospital to have him put down or be sure he was gone....and he was......
so now my sweet Tigger Kitty watches down on me....he has a spot where his body is buried, but his spirit and soul are gone...i picture him frolicking around with our pets Snyper and Mandy and Angel kitty....who left us long ago....and i bet my dad is letting him curl up on his lap while he wets his fishing line!!
so i cry, unexpectdly, out of the blue, for my best friend tig....
for now its hard....i know it will eventually get easier...i hope it will get easier....but now.....i cry........
with much love forever to you my sweet Tig..........

What do i do now?.......

ok, so i'm new to this blog thing..i've read others blogs, browsed through a few, but never thought about having or doing one of my own, til now....sooo, what do i do now?? talk about my family? the sadness i'm experiencing right now for the loss of my baby tigger kitty a few days ago to chronic renal failure? go crazy in discussion about my favorite hobby...crocheting....especially kreating kollectible kritters??.....i think right now i'm going to go pour myself a glass of sweet raspberry tea, sit my behind down in my comfy big chair, and kritter kreate!....more words will come later:)